Cherrie Magazine
From July 2009 to August 2010
Dear Yana Column
Each month for one year between July 2009 to July 2010 I wrote letters to myself and answered them, I only like to answer to myself. These letters were published in Cherrie Magazine, here they are below…
JUNE
Dear Yana,
Yesterday I noticed a lesbian in my local park, I know she was a lesbian by the way she was dressed and her hairstyle, which looked like ‘Ellen’. I was there with my children and I felt uncomfortable with her there, as she was looking in our direction often. I think people like that should not be allowed to sit in parks, as it’s dangerous for children. Don’t you agree?
Beatrice Backward
Beatrice,
It’s difficult for some people to understand the distinction between a Homosexual and a paedophile. Let me educate you, a homosexual is a man or woman who is attracted to the same sex. A paedophile is a man or woman who is attracted to children, the two are completely different, but it’s a common mistake for Catholics and Andrew Bolt in particular. When it comes to the so-called lesbian in the park, how did you know she kept looking your way? Was it because you were looking at her to see if she was looking at you? Did you ever stop to think that the ‘Lesbian’ could have been looking at you, to see if you were looking at her? I imagine she felt quite awkward considering you were watching her every move. And Beatrice, how did you know for a fact that she was a lesbian? There are a lot of women with haircuts like Ellen these days, in fact, half of the white female middle class world wants to either look like Ellen or fuck Ellen. I can only assume that you are the later, if you were spending your whole afternoon in the park starring at another woman. Perhaps you should spend more time looking after your children, or they could be in danger of something more than a lesbian paedophile, like falling off a swing.
Yours truly,
Yana Alana
Dear Yana,
I read the Jason Ackermanis article recently and I couldn’t agree with him more. Homosexuals should not out themselves in the AFL, as it will not only make it difficult for the man in question, but for the whole team.
Rachel Wrong
Rachel,
I too read his article, I think it should have been titled ‘I’m not a homophobe but…’. My guess is that Jason Ackermanis is a big raging homo. He’s clearly spent alot of time trying to get into the mind of a gay man; time that he could have spent, like some other footballers, fantasising about group sex with a minor. Jason is flattering himself if he thinks that all the gay men he’s shared a shower with are wishing they could get between his hairy white cheeks. He has the intelligence of a wardrobe, if only he would ‘come out’ of it. As far as I’m concerned, a pat on a bare arse, in a shower, is only one finger away from a goal. There is more homoerotic energy in the locker room at an AFL Grand final, than in the toilets at the opening night party of Mardi Gras. Let’s be honest, who cares who fucks who, really it’s no-ones business. But at the end of the day a gay man should feel comfortable to be out in any circumstance. My message to all gay footballers is better known as the chant from the Good Witch of the North from The Wizard of Oz ‘Come out, Come out, where ever you are!’.
Yours truly,
Yana Alana
——————————————————————————————————————————-
MAY
Dear Yana,
My boyfriend loves porn. He watches it pretty much every day. All of the girls in his porn movies have no body hair and clearly fake orgasms. It’s really affecting our sex life, can you help?
Susan Sadness
Dear Susan,
The porn industry needs a good fuck up the arse! I have heard numerous stories of young men expressing disgust and confusion when they spread the legs of their female lover in preparation to ‘Go downtown and eat it like a vulcha’ to quote Missy Elliot, only to discover that their bird is not plucked. It forces me to question the upbringing of the man. Did he not see his mother naked? Did he not open a sex education book? Did he ever visit an art gallery or flick over to SBS?
The world is covered by bush, and although some areas have been deforested in the name of progress, bush still runs through the cracks and valleys on every map. Most porn is like McDonald’s: it’s fake, artificial and has ripped away all the bush from Brazil.
My advice is to mark your map as you please, but don’t hide your treasure chest and fake your orgasms or no one will be able to find it. Tell him G marks the spot.
Yours truly,
Yana Alana
Dear Yana,
When it comes to sex, does ‘no’ ever mean ‘yes’?
Randy
Dear Randy,
Sex is an agreement between two people. When it comes to fetish and bondage, I know some people like to establish a language before they get nasty. For example, you could agree that ‘Stop Stop’ actually means ‘Yes Yes’. Just be careful that you don’t choose a word like cucumber for no, as it may cause some confusion.
When it comes to understanding when someone means no, let’s leave the bedroom for a minute. When a waiter asks you if you would like another coffee and you say no, he doesn’t force one on you. When you purchase an item at a shop and the sales assistant offers another for half the price and you decline, she doesn’t make you buy.
It’s clear when ‘no’ means ‘no’, the real question here is, can you make a woman scream Yes! Yes! Yes!
Yours truly,
Yana Alana
——————————————————————————————————————————-
APRIL
Dear Yana,
I’m a good Aussie bloke and last week I was pulled up by a woman for continually addressing my workers as men. I’m not sexist, I’m just lazy. I know that I have a couple of women who work for me but I just assume that when I say men, they know I mean women as well. For example when I say 28 men die in my industry every year, I assume they know I mean women too. That’s fair enough, right?
Mate
Listen Mate,
Don’t talk to me about fairness, being lazy is not an excuse, otherwise each month I would turn up to work with blood running into my heels. You’ve not had the pleasure of prejudice based on gender. Men are the centre of nearly every spiritual book, fairytale, manual, law, text book and HIStory book; after all, we are called MANkind. But since women are now bringing home their own bacon, it’s time to wake up and smell the estrogen. I know it just doesn’t seem fair, but it’s time for you to think before you speak. Try using the word ‘people’ instead of ‘men’, for example. It’s not about being PC, it’s about being FC, which stands for fucking considerate!
Yours truly,
Yana Alana
Dear Yana,
Tony Abbott recently declared that acknowledging the traditional owners of the land is not necessary. I agree with him, it’s just an outdated formality that means nothing, wouldn’t you agree?
Rhonda Rude
Yo Rude,
When did acknowledging somebody become outdated or unnecessary? I like to be acknowledged every day of my life, like when I walk into a shop or restaurant, when I see somebody I know well, or when I’m on stage performing. Acknowledging somebody is basic, it’s closely linked with respect. We are not asking you Rhonda, before a speech at the local primary school, to recognise the genocide of the Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander people. It’s not about asking white Australia to share with everybody the various ways in which their ancestors went about trying to bury the Dreamtime.
It’s taken us long enough to say sorry, it will be a very long time before we collectively come clean on murder, rape, oppression and the continued lack of basic human rights for some Aboriginals and Torres Strait Islander communities. I think a little acknowledgment, considering the circumstances, isn’t too much to ask. The best place for you to start is to acknowledge that you’re a racist, and racism usually stems from fear, and fear usually stems from lack of knowledge. This means that before every speech you should acknowledge that you’re stupid then perhaps people will forgive you if you can’t find it within yourself to be thoughtful, respectful and considerate.
Yours truly,
Yana Alana
——————————————————————————————————————————-
MARCH
Dear Yana,
I’m really excited cause the Melbourne International Comedy Festival is about to start, there are so many good things to see and I can’t choose, what are you going to see?
Nelly Naive
Dear Nelly,
What makes the majority of the Australian general public laugh, makes me want to stick a knife in my eye. I think perhaps, homophobia, misogyny, racism and general bigotry, just isn’t my cup of tea. In other words, I won’t be seeing anything! But, if privileged men who make fun of minorities all night really tickles your fancy, I suggest you go and see ‘The Slut Cracker’ which is actually produced by the Melbourne Internal Comedy Festival. Apparently this funny, white, hetero man ‘screwed’ over 20 women and drank 400 pints of beer at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival. Sounds like a very intelligent night at the theatre, and if you’re lucky girls, you might just get screwed by a pasty, drunk, limp dick comedian, fun, fun, fun! I would now like to leave you with a short poem.
Yours truly,
Yana Alana
The Melbourne International Cock Festival by Yana Alana
Why is it that men can joke about their cocks every night and it’s funny??But when a women jokes about her cunt, it’s political??How are cunts more political than cocks??And if that rule applies why are there so many cocks in politics??If cocks are that funny, why were you so upset when I pointed at yours and laughed?
P.S. If you really want to see something funny, buy a ticket to Hannah Gadsby.
Dear Yana,
My husband wants me to get a runway, you know where you wax off all your pubic hair except for one tiny strip down the centre. I don’t feel comfortable with it, what should I say?
Bella Baffled
Bella,
Tell your husband, you’ll do it if he waxes his balls and arse, plucks his eyebrows, shaves his underarms and legs, tints his eyelashes, gets fake nails, straightens his hair, wears a push up bra and shoves a tampon up his arse. If he does all of these things, well, that’s dedication, but tell him his plane ain’t landing on your runway, he’ll have to fly solo.
Yours truly,
Yana Alana
Dear Yana,
I went to a dietician recently and she told me that I need to cut out all the food I like, do you have any advice?
Dan Downtodden
I have nothing for you. Last year I visited a dietician, not because I wanted to lose weight, but because my clothes wouldn’t shrink. After many tests, I was told that I needed to cut out the main staples of my diet: bread, wine, bread, port, bread, scotch, bread, gin and bread. The next day, upon request, I bought gluten, wheat, yeast-free bread and a knife, it wasn’t to cut the bread, I would have needed a hacksaw for that.
Yours truly,
Yana Alana
——————————————————————————————————————————-
FEBRUARY
Dear Yana,
I looked through the Midsumma and Mardi Gras guide and I can’t find a lot of lesbian shows or events. Am I missing something?
Gay
Dear Gay,
No you’re not missing anything, you’re noticing something. You’ve just discovered that the GLBTIQ community is actually run by the first letter in the queer alphabet, G, which stands for, Gee – who the fuck made men in charge? Flick through any GLBTIQ festival guide around the world and the ratio male to female events are 10 to 2. You see, men make money, especially if they’re dressed like women. Audiences eat up gay male culture, even the general public can stomach a gay man, but not a dyke. The general opinion there is ‘That’s just weird, what do they do?’??Fully shaved man-on-man action is only one goal away from an AFL final; but no one likes to imagine two flannel-clad, spiky-haired dykes getting their ‘freak on’ on their floral pull-out sofa in the comfort of their suburban home. I mean, it just doesn’t sell unless a man can imagine that he could somehow be involved sexually – and believe me, a lot of men watch the AFL.??Let’s get the facts straight. If you’re a gay woman, you are a minority within your own community. Never get sexuality confused with politics. Who you fuck has nothing to do with how you think. In fact, if we thought less about who we fucked and more about who we fucked over by not thinking, the world would be a much sexier and more liberated place to live. I’d like to leave you with a poem.
Yours truly,
Yana Alana
A Poem For Gay Men Who Hate Women By Yana Alana
Here’s a little fact for you, there is no fact finer?The fact is a fact, it’s a fact and that fact is…?You came from a VAGINA!
Dear Yana,
I noticed recently that Hey Hey it’s Saturday is back on television. Why is it back? I mean, after last year’s ‘black face’ debacle are you surprised it’s back to stay?
Steph Quo
Dear Steph,
Why is Hey Hey back? Let me answer that question with more questions. Why is Bert Newton still hosting TV shows? Why is Sam Newman still on TV kicking balls? It’s simple: Australia loves old white men, especially if they’ve had work done. Although I have a special spot for ‘Moonface’, have you noticed that these plastic faced men look more and more like rich old women? The female TV personalities are sacked before they reach 35, but we like to re-bake this old mix of men to present shows that have less substance than white bread.??It’s not that I’m ageist, I just think we should perhaps not apply the White Australia Policy to television. Unfortunately, it is not surprising that Hey Hey is back. Just like other things that didn’t surprise me, like the Cronulla race riots and the fact that nothing has happened since the official ‘Sorry’ to actually help the indigenous people of this country.??What more can I say, ‘Hey Hey, it’s Yesterday‘.
Yours truly,
Yana Alana
——————————————————————————————————————————-
JANUARY
Dear Yana
I am a teacher at an Anglican School. Recently another member of our teaching staff confessed to being a lesbian. I believe homosexuals are a minority and therefore have no place within the school environment. Do you agree?
Sue Smallmind
Yes, Sue, I agree: gay people are a minority. No, Sue, I do not agree that because of this gay people should be excluded from schools and the right to an education. Your rationale is well… uneducated. What you are effectively saying is that if you are in a minority you should be excluded from schools. That’s like saying because you are starving we will not feed you, or because you just broke your arm we’ll break the other one. And Sue, please enlighten me: what is a minority? Does it include anyone who isn’t white, straight or Christian? Because we then start narrowing down the people who get access to education, don’t we? And although this is something that John Howard tried really hard to achieve, it didn’t work. And that’s because of one simple thing, it’s called COMPASSION. No, Sue, that isn’t the name of Britney Spears’ new range of perfume, it’s something that separates us from fungi. Believe it or not, being human gives us the ability to think and feel. But if this is something a little beyond your evolutionary capabilities, then by all means stick yourself to a block of cheese and cultivate.
Yours truly,
Yana Alana
Dear Yana,
I have short fingers, it’s always worried me because I was once told that people with short fingers are not creative. Is that true?
Susan Stump
Dear Susan,
I’ve had the pleasure of coming upon a handful of short-fingered women. Believe me, they were all very creative. Remember, it’s not the size of the fingers, it’s what you do with them that matters. I can count on one hand the short fingered women who haven’t pressed my button. My advice to you is stop twiddling your thumbs and take a more hands on approach. I promise you in no time you’ll be reaching your full creative potential and pretty soon you’ll find exactly where you fit in. Call me!
Yours truly,
Yana Alana
——————————————————————————————————————————-
DECEMBER
Dear Yana,
Isn’t it exciting that Tony Abbott is the new Liberal Party leader? I hope he becomes the next Prime Minister. What do you think?
Kelly Simpleton
Dear Kelly,
My first thought when Tony Abbott became Liberal Leader was, gee, pigs can fly! Let us get real for a moment, all politicians are arseholes! Voting day is not about choosing the next leader; it’s about choosing the next arsehole. All you can do is choose the least smelly of the arseholes you’ve been presented with, the arsehole that exudes the least amount of shit. We call this Democracy, I call it good hygiene. Let’s be honest, Tony Abbott is one stinky motherfucker, and as the world continues to heat so his shit will stink more ferociously. He plans on doing nothing about this, but if your idea of a bright future is standing knee high in Tony Abbott’s hot steaming shit, by all means celebrate.
Yours truly,
Yana Alana
Dear Yana,
Do you know of any good shows coming up for Midsumma?
Anon
Why yes Anon, I happen to know of a wonderful show called Yana Alana and Tha Paranas In Concert to be held at Gasworks January 27 – 30. It’s the only show I think worth going to too.
Dear Yana,
It’s the beginning of 2010, do you have any new years resolutions?
Naomi Naïve
Hello Naomi,
No, I don’t, why would I? I’m perfect in every way!
There are some minor things I suppose I could revise like my alcoholism or eating disorder, but I wouldn’t change these things because alcohol makes me feel momentarily justified and overeating just means there’s more of me to hate. I also do not consider my kleptomania, flying phobia, multiple personality disorder, claustrophobia or fear of clowns an issue. It just means I own a lot things I didn’t pay for, I never travel, I don’t know who I am, I can’t leave the house and I never go to the circus, I don’t consider these things a hindrance to my life. These things define the person that I am today; a deeply unhappy, resentful, angry woman. If I was to change these things I wouldn’t know myself. Injustice and fear are as essential to me as bulls are to a horn, without them I’d be a cow. I suggest using the beginning of each year to accept who you are and know that nothing in your life is going to change. New Year’s resolutions are as likely to work as the Melbourne public transport system, it promises change, but gets you no-where.
Yours truly,
Yana Alana
——————————————————————————————————————————-
NOVEMBER
Dear Yana,
I think you’re such an amazing writer and performer, why are you not an Australian celebrity? You should be famous, when will I see you on television?
Adora
Darling Adora,
I quite agree. You know, when I look back over my illustrious three-year career, I think, why am I still on Centrelink payments and who can I fuck to get a paid gig? That’s when I think perhaps being a large, queer, feminist, spoken word artist isn’t going to get me a spot on Rove. That’s when I think, why is Rove on television? Then I realise, Rove runs television! Then it dawns on me that I will never be on television and if you’re not on television in this country then you can’t sell tickets to your show. In fact, you can’t even perform with the Melbourne or Sydney Theatre Company. Because these days you have to be a celebrity to get “bums” on seats and I’m not talking about entertaining the homeless and long term unemployed. You see, the general public like what they know, they don’t know what we like, and what they know is white, straight, heterosexual men with dicks for brains.
So, if you like me, then you’re an independent thinker and probably have mummy issues. And Adora, if you’re upset about the fact that I’m not yet famous, do what I do and BLAME ROVE!
Yours truly,
Yana Alana
Dear Yana,
This is a health question. I have really bad breath all the time. What should I do?
Fanny
Hello down there,
My advice is to do absolutely nothing, Fannys are supposed to stink!
Yours truly,
Yana Alana
Dear Yana
Last week I was diagnosed with a multiple personality disorder. Do you know anything about this disorder and what is your advice?
Anon
Why, hello there!
I do know a little about multiple personality disorders and so do my five other personalities so between the six of us, I think we should be able to help.
If you follow the advice of health practitioners you should be booking in to see a therapist. But if you’re anything like us then you won’t be interested in spending money that could be more wisely used on alcohol to drown the feelings. Even if you did therapy, all you would come to realise is that your relationship with your parents is the source of your problems. We already know that your parents are to blame for anything bad that has ever happened to you. I suggest you continue taking absolutely no responsibility for the way you behave and blame it on the alcohol. That’s what I do, and believe us, we’ve never been more fucked up in my life and that’s just the way we like it.
Yours truly,
Yana Alana
——————————————————————————————————————————-
OCTOBER
Dear Yana,
My dream is to be a feminist cabaret artiste, just like you. Do you have any advice for an up and coming star like me?
Sister Sparkle
Hello Sparkle,
I’m a feminist, which means I believe in equal rights for all women, except for those who are in direct competition with me. For your information only one woman can succeed in each of their chosen career paths, so back the fuck off!
My advice to you is: wake up and smell your hairy armpits. Because being a feminist isn’t all about making menstrual paintings, cooking cunt cakes and having slumber parties where you watch Thelma and Louise on repeat. Oh no, being a part of the sisterhood also includes backstabbing, bitching, emotional manipulation, competition and women who actually hate other women, even if they’re a lesbian, yes they exist.
Sisters are doing it for themselves, not for you. You can carve your own uphill path. I didn’t become the hardened, bitter, resentful woman I am today by doing nothing, I worked hard to be this hateful.
Why am I telling you this? Why? Because, Judy, I don’t have a therapist and I use this column to heal past wounds. Do you have a fucking problem with that?
Look really, sister to sister, seriously, my advice is for you to do what makes you happy, and if being a feminist cabaret star is your dream, I am your worst nightmare. Oh and good luck: women like me are everywhere.
P.S. Be careful who you ask advice from!
Yours truly,
Yana Alana
Dear Yana,
I’m gay but I haven’t told my parents. I’m really scared about coming out, what should I do?
Matt
Dear Matt,
Why should you ‘come out’ if your parents don’t? Why is it that only homosexuals ‘come out’? As if straight is normal and gay is something we hide until we’re strong enough to tell the world.
This is what I think you should do. The day that you choose to ‘come out’ you should ask your parents to as well. They should announce that they have something really big to tell you and that they’re scared about how you’re going to react. You should just sit there guarded and apprehensive. Then they should come right out and confess that they are straight, that they somehow always knew they were, despite the fact they’ve never slept with the same sex. They should then reveal that being straight isn’t something they choose to be, it’s who they are and that they hope you will understand and love them despite their heterosexuality.
That’s when you should sit there in silence for a while to make them sweat. This will give you time to decide whether having heterosexual parents is something you can handle, knowing that they live in a world with more human rights than yourself, that in the eyes of God they are pure and that their lives will be easier simply based on their sexual preference. If that’s something you feel you can stomach, then by all means accept your parents and if you can’t do that, then at least tolerate them and if even that is too hard, cut off communication with them, but send them the self help book Finding the homosexual within.
Two mottos I live my life by are: ‘Judge others the way you yourself wish to judge’ and ‘She who casts the first stone will be the winner’.
Yours truly,
Yana Alana
——————————————————————————————————————————-
SEPTEMBER
Dear Yana,
I’m really depressed, I’ve put on weight and can’t fit into hot clothes. I now have to shop at stores for big women and I’m losing confidence. I’ve just started dieting. Please help!
Donna Down
Donna,
Mainstream fashion can eat shit and disappear like G-strings up their own puny, flat, little underfed arses. Why are stores for ‘Big Women’ called MySize, Big City Chic and Wombat? There’s nothing like being likened to a fury, fat marsupial that grazes all day and lives in a hole to boost your confidence. Your depression is actually oppression, you should be shopping in a store called Make Room. Let me help you by suggesting the following:
1) DO NOT DIET – take away T and you DIE.
2) Get a tattoo on your arse that says WORSHIP ME, it’s great for the dressing room and the bedroom.
3) Target the most prejudiced women’s clothing store. Then get together a group of your biggest, angriest friends. March into the store demanding clothes in your size. Do this every Saturday at their busiest time. It’s lots of fun, at least I imagine it would be. I don’t have friends, I hate people.
Yours truly,
Yana Alana
Dear Yana,
There’s been a lot of support for same-sex marriage recently. I think it’s ridiculous that two people of the same sex can even be together, let alone marry. I mean what do women do on their wedding night for God’s sake? I agree with the Labor Party, marriage is the sacred union of man and woman, allowing just anyone to marry is a joke.
Mr Frank
Frank,
You sound like just the man I’d like to spend the rest of my life with. There’s nothing like bigotry, homophobia and misogyny to turn me on. You think it’s ridiculous that two people of the same sex could be attracted? I think it’s ridiculous that a woman would be attracted to Sam Newman, or dick-for-brains Kyle Sandilands. It always concerns me when a man asks what lesbians do in the bedroom. Let me educate you by saying that most of us are fortunate to possess these wonderful things at the end of our arms, they are called hands and they’re not just there for wiping your arse. The Labor Party can get fucked, who are they to deny the leader of the Australian Greens Bob Brown his right to marry, let alone the rest the GLBTIQ community?
To be frank, Frank, marriage itself is a joke. Two people meet, decide they are ‘soul mates’, marry, then spend the rest of their lives pretending, fucking other people or in court settling. Having said that, I believe we all deserve the same chance at unhappiness.
I’d like to leave you with a short poem.
Same Sex
I might fuck women, but it’s never the same!
Yours truly,
Yana Alana
——————————————————————————————————————————-
AUGUST
Dear Yana,
My husband is really sexist, he treats me like I’m his servant around the house. His behaviour is having a bad impact on my son, who is now treating me the same way. What should I do?
Jane O’Pressed
Dearest Jane,
I’m a feminist, which means I believe men are inferior to women. I think the kindest thing you can do is to educate men when they are young. I urge you to start immediately with your son – dispel all of the myths. Tell him there is no Santa Claus, Easter Bunny or education fund; sit him down and tell him that mummy is the boss of the house and that he should get on his apron, pick up a tea towel and start drying his tears, because he is the weaker sex and needs to get used to it.
As for your husband, he is a lost cause: divorce him, find a lesbian lover and experience your first orgasm.
Yours truly,
Yana Alana
Dear Yana
I read an article recently saying that Beth Ditto is slagging off Katy Perry and her song ‘I Kissed a Girl (and I liked it)’. It’s totally uncool, cause that song is hot and it sends a really good message about lesbians. What do you think?
Miss Led
Listen,
‘I Kissed a Girl (and I liked it)’ is a hetero, fat load of stinking shit. What Katy is really saying is ‘I got drunk enough to kiss a girl and my boyfriend loved it!’
Katy Perry can get back to me when she writes the song ‘I Fucked a Girl and She Liked it’.
I’m with Beth, at least I wish I was, she is a hot mumma!
Yours truly,
Yana Alana
Dear Yana,
Are you still single? I think you’re perfect in every way, be my lover!
Ellen DeGeneres
Ellen,
Back off! I’ve told you a number of times that I am not interested in you, I’m interested in your money. Stop writing to me unless it’s on a cheque.
Yours truly,
Yana Alana
———————————————————————————————————-
JULY
Dear Yana,
My friend told me recently that she is a lesbian. I’m really freaked out because I’m a fundamentalist Christian who believes she will burn in hell. How do I guide her back into the loving hands of our Lord Jesus Christ?
Marther Mary Magdeline
Well Cyndi,
They are genuine concerns, for a mad woman. If I believed there was a place called hell where the damned would be tortured for eternity, I would be worried for my friend too. I mean eternity is a really long time, isn’t it? Luckily for me, Cyndi, I’m sane and don’t believe in hell and other myths created by the patriarchy to suppress women.
I recommend that you do what is in your heart, which is to put your bible down and fuck your friend for seven days and seven nights until you create a dyke in which all your waters will flow. I’m sure God will watch on lovingly.
Yours truly,
Yana Alana
Dear Yana
My stimulus package recently arrived, but was not the full amount promised by the government. Apparently I earn too much money to deserve the same amount as others. I’m a tax payer and believe in equality. I’m outraged, what should I do?
Mike Rich
Dear Mike,
I think you should go fuck yourself. If you’re earning enough to justify not receiving your $900 from the Government, which by the way is probably what you spend on toilet paper in one year judging by the amount of shit you produce, I suggest you invest in a dildo and stick it up your arse.
You’re probably a private school educated, mummy funded University dickhead IT consultant, who wants to earn more than daddy to prove he is more of a man. Don’t expect sympathy from an artist, I haven’t been to the dentist for eight years and not just because I have an extreme phobia of dentists or because my father was one, but because I can’t afford it! My breath smells like a dead animals arse so don’t talk to me about equality Mr Bright Shiny White Teeth. I hope you get the sack.
Yours truly,
Yana Alana
